On defense mechanisms and crying
by freakybanana
Summary: Post 3x10. One-shot. Our ladies wind down, and attempt to break down some walls in the process.


**Disclaimer**: I own nothing but my own mistakes.

Casting one last glance at the abandoned sandwich on the coffee table, she stood from the couch straightening out her pants before moving her hands to rub tired eyes. She made her way gently up the stairs towards Maura's bedroom, not wanting to leave without this last attempt for some peace of mind. After gushing over the baby boy suddenly dropped in their laps for what seemed like only minutes, but was in fact hours, she noticed the lost and empty look in Maura's eyes. She wanted space.

Aware of her own needs, Maura had quietly excused herself explaining it with a need to at least _try_ to get some rest. The emphasis on the word _try_ was why Jane's exhausted legs were now carrying her mindlessly towards what she hoped would be the sight of her best friend curled up in peaceful sleep.

Reaching the top of the stairs she saw light streaming out from the bedroom with the door slightly ajar. It was quiet. Not wanting anything else than check on her friend she tiptoed gently across the floor towards the second door on the left. Still quiet. When she reached the threshold she tipped her head to peek inside, and immediately realized that once again her gut was right. Maura sat on the edge of her gigantic bed, visible from the side, with her hands in her lap, staring into nothingness.

She knocked gently on the door and cleared her throat before her voice, strained from the longest day in what seemed like forever, barely whispered "Maura?". Still quiet. She gently pushed the door open, and carefully entered the room never taking her eyes off her friend who still seemed unfazed by her presence. She attempted again. "Maura?". Maura didn't even flinch. She carried on in the same tone, gently making her way towards the figure slumped and defeated on the edge of the bed staring at a spot on the bathroom door to the right.

"I thought you went to bed? That was 40 minutes ago Maura, even _you_ should at least be out of your clothes by now". She cringed when she realized that might not be the best tone right now. When she noticed awareness in her friends features, she let that one pass - for now. Maura turned her head towards the door, but didn't look at Jane who now stood by the bed right beside her.

"I left the door open so I could hear you. I sat down to listen, and now I can't seem to move." Her voice was strong, but without inflection.

She turned her face back towards the bathroom door finding that same spot of nothing to stare at. Jane walked past her, and gently sat down beside her.

"Oh my God! How can you sleep on this thing?" she almost shouted while flailing her hands behind her to touch the too firm mattress (for her taste), and bouncing lightly up and down trying to get herself situated. "This is a whole new standard of uncomfortable".

Maura noticed the movement, but made no attempt to acknowledge it, and kept her gaze directed at the same spot. Jane let out an exasperated sigh. "I'm sorry", she added before putting the palm of her hand gently on her friend's back, slowly starting to rub up and down.

Maura left the comfort of the spot on the bathroom door for a minute and turned her head towards Jane meeting her eyes for the first time since she stepped foot into her bedroom. "For what?" she asked.

"Oh I don't know. For having to deal with a crazier than crazy Rizzoli family drama after the day you've had for starters." Jane continued to rub her hand up and down Maura's back while still keeping eye contact. She averted her gaze and mumbled "and for taking this, of all situations, as an opportunity to mock your mattress, which by the way I'm sure is all sorts of good for you."

At this Maura let out a contented sigh and smiled. Jane met her eyes again and couldn't help but smile back, but just like that the moment was over and Maura's eyes were back on the bathroom door. She opened her mouth to speak, but Maura caught her to it.

"You have nothing to be sorry about Jane. That baby boy might in fact have been the best ending to a day like this."

Eyes still rooted to their spot, she let her hands fall from her lap to grip the edges of the bed as she moved her back to meet the soothing rhythm Jane had started. She snapped out of it for a moment, and let her eyes find the floor in front of her instead.

"Where is he now? Is he asleep? It's so quiet." The last words were uttered with a sadness that made Jane's gentle rubbing of Maura's back quicken its pace. She looked at her friend and noticed how she was gripping the edge of the bed as if to keep herself composed.

"Ma took him to the guest house. I don't think she's going to let him out of her sight all night". Maura let out a small laugh and loosened the grip on the bed slightly.

"She clearly adores him already. Lydia is right about one thing - your mother is in fact the best mother ever." Maura looked sideways again but didn't tilt her head to meet her best friend's eyes. "To make this as easy on her as possible I can always organize a paternity test. Just say when, Jane."

Jane's hand left its place on Maura's back as she brought both of her hands to drag them across her face trying to keep the exhaustion at bay. Maura immediately turned towards her friend on the bed.

"Do you not want that?", she asked. Jane let her hands fall to her lap and straightened her back up immediately.

"No! Of course I do!" she proclaimed a little too loudly. Lowering her voice she continued. "I mean, thank you for offering Maura". She groaned and ran her hands across her face once more. "Look Maura. We'll deal with all that tomorrow, okay? As worried as I am about my mother bonding and getting attached to what might turn out to be her ex-husband's love child.. " She paused and looked her friend straight in the eye. "Right now I'm more worried about you."

Maura didn't move and simply said "I'll be fine Jane", before averting her gaze.

"I know you'll be fine Maura. The thing is..." Jane paused and attempted to get Maura to look at her again. Without success, she continued. "The thing is you're not fine right now are you?".

After a pause, Maura gently shook her head from side to side, a choked "No" escaping her lips. All Jane saw was an enormous amount of pain bottled up within a tiny body begging for release. Thankfully Maura let it. She continued to shake her head, allowing the tears to run and for the gentle sobs to fill the otherwise silent room. She looked up into the brown eyes of her friend and saw them glistening with tears, empathy, and most of all comfort. She leaned towards her, Jane opened her arms and allowed her friend the comfort of her embrace, guiding her head to her chest. Slowly rubbing both her hands up and down Maura's back and side she allowed them both this moment. No words, no shushing to attempt to stop the tears that so rightfully needed to escape - just silence and gratitude.

After a while Maura made an attempt to break the embrace, and Jane let her. Wiping her eyes, she tried to speak.

"Why does this keep happening to me Jane? _Please_ tell me."

The immediate response came. "It's not your fault. You need to stop beating yourself up over this, there was nothing else you could have done. No one saw it, and I'm really really sorry that we didn't - that I didn't..." the realization dawned on her. "Look. It happened, but right now... Right now you're safe Maura. That's all that matters. You're safe."

"But... you did see it didn't you? You repeatedly told me you didn't like him. You saw something, or what I would assume to be your intestines felt something - something that I didn't. So what am I missing? What am I missing time and time again that allows me to find myself in this position? I feel so stupid." She looked at Jane with pleading eyes begging for some sort of magic answer.

"Maura. Listen to me." She took both of Maura's hands into her own and squeezed them as tight as she could. "I know you think you're missing something, and that all of this is your fault, and right now that's all you want to believe, but sweetie... it's not. I didn't like him because he ran away and left you wondering for 3 months, and you deserve so much better than that. Then he attempted to charm his way back into your life with excuse after excuse for his behavior. That's all I saw... or felt, or whatever. I never in my wildest imagination expected something like this." She let out a sigh.

"I wish I knew." was all Maura replied to that, before she took her hands back and pushed herself up from the bed attempting to stand. She stood for a moment as if moving too quickly would be too much.

Jane remained seated as she watched her best friend moving slowly but deliberately towards the bathroom door. The door opened and closed, and all of a sudden she felt the need to rise from the bed herself, instead pacing the room waiting for Maura to come back.

After ten minutes of pacing, the bathroom door opened revealing Maura in her silk pajamas and freshly brushed hair cascading her shoulders. Almost like her old self, until she met her eyes. Jane stopped pacing and just stood there taking in the fragile form of her best friend attempting to hide behind silk and what appeared to be a layer of foundation, trying to smile but failing oh so miserably. She made her way towards the bed, shuffling around items to prepare for her much needed attempt to sleep. Jane suddenly felt out of place, not knowing what to say, where to go, or what to do.

"So, uhm. Are you going to be okay? For the night I mean?" She mindlessly started rubbing the scar on her left hand while watching her friend preparing for bed.

"I think so" came the muffled and inflection-less reply. That settled it.

"Do you want me to stay? I mean, in the house?"

Maura let her bed preparations go and turned to her friend. She paused, seemingly trying to come up with an appropriate response. She opened her mouth trying to form a reply, but to no avail.

"It's okay Maura. I don't mind." Jane moved closer. "Anything you need."

Maura stared at the floor, as if the answer to what her needs were existed in the carpet. Jane wasn't sure how to handle this version of Maura. She approached her gently and put both her hands on Maura's shoulders.

"I'll stay, you don't have to say it. I'll stay. Do you want me to stay here or downstairs?" She lowered her body trying to reach eye level, but Maura kept staring at the floor. "Okay. Just a simple yes or no then. Do you want me to stay here?".

Maura nodded and raised her head to meet Jane's eyes. What little she saw was complete sincerity, and the tears threatening to escape kept themselves in check. "Thank you", she whispered. Jane shrugged and moved closer, putting her arms around Maura again, resuming the back rubbing and allowing Maura once again to find solace in her arms. Maura let out a soft sigh, and buried her face in Jane's neck, feeling her hair tickle her nose.

Completely lost in the comforting embrace, Jane attempted to get them back to the task at hand. "I'll just go get some gym clothes from my car to sleep in." Maura lifted her head and nodded, but put her hands securely around her friend's waist not ready to let go just yet. They stood like that for a moment, before Jane once again got them back on track. "You're going to have to let me go for that, Maura", she chuckled. Maura smiled, and reluctantly retrieved her hands. Jane gave her friend a reassuring pat on both shoulders, before attempting to step away.

"It'll only take a second. I'll be right back." she said before turning towards the door. Stopping briefly in the doorway, she purposely left the door open before heading downstairs. Maura stood staring at the empty space in the doorway and hallway, all the while listening to the sounds of Jane practically running down the stairs and out the front door.

When Jane came back into the room the bed was prepared, and Maura was making her way around it to climb in on the right side. She cast a glance towards Jane who made a beeline for the bathroom, a few selected items of clothing in hand and a nervous smile grazing her features. She appeared to be winded. "Remind me to visit the stairmaster more often". Maura smiled and got situated under the covers.

Jane stood in front of the bathroom mirror for a moment, looking at the signs of exhaustion on her own face. She proceeded to splash some water on it as an attempt to re-energize, and quickly got changed into the gym clothes she had found in the back of her car. They had been lying there for at least two weeks, perhaps another reason for the evident exhaustion. On her way to open the bathroom door and step out into Maura's bedroom again, she stopped to take a deep breath with her hand on the door handle. She completely froze. She let go of the door handle and turned back into the room, stepping towards the clothes she had slung over the side of the bathtub. Folding them quickly and deciding to put them on a shelf nearby instead. Lowering herself to sit on the toilet she brought her head to her hands and took another moment to compose herself.

5 minutes later Jane emerged slowly from the bathroom, uncertain of how to proceed. She looked towards Maura who was lying on her back staring at the ceiling, hoping for a little help. She cleared her throat and approached the bed, which got Maura's attention. They locked eyes and shared awkward smiles. "Now I really regret making fun of your mattress", Jane said while getting situated and bouncing a little more than necessary for added effort. Maura looked over with a smile that seemed almost genuine. "I assure you that your back will thank you in the morning".

"What? No specifics about which _urs_ or _oids_ or whatever on my back you are referring to? Or why this mattress will magically fix it for that matter?" Jane added in an attempt to get the conversation flowing towards the familiar.

"I'll spare you just this once", Maura replied almost coldly before her eyes were glued to the ceiling again.

"Hmm. You're definitely not yourself tonight, Maura. I'll take your word for it. Just this once." Jane chuckled and mirrored Maura's position casting her eyes towards the ceiling.

Maura let out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm not much of a hostess tonight. Or friend for that matter." Jane turned her head and took a moment to study her friend using her detective skills in an attempt to form the most appropriate reply. The signs of sadness were evident, but seeing how Maura's shoulders were everything but relaxed and her hands were clasped at her sides instead of lying across her stomach, Jane knew she was trying to keep it together. What stood out however was what seemed like signs of frustration, or was it anger?

"You and I both know I don't really need a hostess, and part of being a friend is not having to be one Maura." she reached out to touch Maura's forearm and started applying gentle pressure in a soothing pattern. She didn't flinch, but her posture seemed to calm instantly.

"That's the thing. There are all these things I don't know. Things that just don't come naturally to me. How to be a good friend, how to avoid falling for the wrong people..." Maura trailed off, letting out a sigh.

"Well..." Jane started. "I can tell you one thing. I think... No wait. I _know_ you in fact are a very good friend whether it comes naturally or not. As for the rest of it, we all fall for the wrong people at times. In fact I believe that's quite natural."

Maura looked at her friend. "You do?"

"I do." Jane nodded and smiled. "Sometimes it takes the people around us to tell us how amazing we are, because that part doesn't come naturally to anyone." She turned on her side, propping her head up on her hand and looked intently at Maura. "And you my friend, you are amazing. All the other stuff just makes you human."

Maura looked down at Jane's fingers running soothing patterns on her forearm before finding her eyes. "So being human isn't amazing?" she asked.

Jane let out a laugh and pinched the forearm she was touching slightly. "See? Now your brain is working again. You caught that one didn't you?"

And just like that they were laughing together again, a genuine smile occupying Maura's features for the first time that night. They fell silent again, Jane never letting Maura's arm go for more than a second, and Maura staring at the ceiling while Jane was studying her.

Maura broke the silence. "You are a good friend too... and amazing. An amazingly good friend." She met Jane's eyes with all the sincerity in the world.

"I see my fishing for compliments worked." Jane replied smiling.

"Why do you do that?" Maura said lifting her head slightly from the pillow allowing her a better view of Jane.

"Do what?"

"Avoid taking the compliment to heart by turning it into a joke." Maura replied.

"It's what I do. It's why I'm so _amazing_." Jane countered before closing her eyes, but Maura was not impressed. She sat up in bed, running her hands across her face while sighing. This left Jane's hand suddenly caught in cold air, and startled her enough to try to reinstate the contact. She put a hand on Maura's shoulder, eyes suddenly wide open again. "Hey. I'm sorry. I accept your compliment." she said.

Maura let her hands fall back to her lap, and turned to look down at Jane. "I know it's what you do Jane, and sometimes it is quite clearly a reason why you are so amazing.." she paused, taking a deep breath running her hands across the silk sheets. "but everything is not a joke..." And then the tears were back. The first one went unnoticed by Jane as it slid slowly down Maura's right cheek, but when Maura brought her head to her hands, and allowed another batch of tears to flow freely into them, Jane leaped into action immediately. "I know, I know... I'm sorry". Jane gripped Maura's shoulder a little tighter than necessary when attempting to sit up alongside her friend. Maura just cried. The high pitched sound of her cries were all of a sudden taking up all the air in the room, reminding Jane of the sounds of earlier that night. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." she repeated and moved her hand from shoulder to back, rubbing soothing circles.

Maura brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them as close to her body as possible while burying her face between them. The crying didn't seem to stop and right now the hand to her back was making it worse.

When the sounds were decreasing and Maura's body shook a little less, Jane moved her arm to drape across her friend's shoulder and let her chin fall to the other. "It's a defense mechanism." she started. "You wanna know how I know that?".

Maura lifted her head trying to take a deep breath, and nodded. "I have this brilliant friend you see. Who knows a lot of interesting things about a lot of interesting subjects, that she often shares with me." Maura felt Jane's chin on her shoulder with every word spoken. "She once told me that I use sarcasm to avoid facing the grimmer parts of life, as a defense mechanism." She started tracing the outlines of Maura's shoulder gently with her thumb. "I'm sure I made a joke about it at the time, but I do remember."

Maura let her knees go, and let her legs fall back to the bed, arms limp at her side. "I also told you that defense mechanisms are often adopted unconsciously at an early age, and hard to recognize and let go of as we grow older." She spoke in her monotonous science voice.

"Yes, yes you did." Jane replied with a slight smile.

"My defense mechanism is evidently lashing out at other people's defense mechanisms." Maura draped her left arm across her body to put her hand on top of the hand currently occupying her shoulder. "I'm sorry".

"Don't be." Jane replied. "Do whatever you have to do, I can take it. Scream, throw things, cry – it doesn't matter. If it makes you feel a tiny bit better I'm all for it".

Maura allowed a slight smile to grace her lips. "It seems I have the crying part down."

"Good for you!" Jane exclaimed. She lifted her chin, sat back and rubbed Maura's arm gently coaxing her to lie back down. "Crying can also help you sleep. You want to try some of that now?"

Maura allowed herself to fall back down to the bed while wiping away the last remaining tears. She looked towards Jane who plopped down next to her. "Thank you".

"For what?" Jane asked.

"For being you." she said. She let out a breath and straightened out the sheets covering them both. "Can you hand me those tissues?" She pointed toward the nightstand by Jane.

Jane retrieved the box of tissues, and handed one to Maura. "Thank you", she said again.

"You're welcome." Jane replied popping out another tissue to hand over.

She kept on handing over tissues, as Maura dried tears and blew her nose multiple times before putting each tissue neatly on the nearest nightstand. Jane studied her intently and saw signs of relaxation falling over Maura, and in turn herself. The yawn that threatened to escape as Jane handed over the last tissue couldn't be stopped. Maura declined. "I'm done."

Jane put the box back in its designated place on the nightstand and turned back towards Maura. "All better?"

"Yes thank you. Better." she replied with a smile. They both relaxed on their backs, again gazing at the ceiling. The room fell silent for a long moment, until Maura decided to test the waters, feeling confident in this vulnerable state they seemed to be in.

"When do _you_ cry?" She kept her eyes on the ceiling, unsure of the reply.

As if on cue the immediate "I don't" came from the other side of the bed.

"Denial." Maura said. Jane turned her head towards her. "Huh?"

"Denial. Another defense mechanism." Sensing Jane didn't need to be scrutinized other than verbally, she kept her eyes where they were. "Everybody cries." she added.

"Okay, you got me." Jane replied gazing back at the ceiling feeling all sorts of uncomfortable. She shifted around in bed trying to get comfortable. It didn't work, so why not just admit it. "You've seen me cry." she said.

"Shed a few tears, sniffle, and that way your voice gets slightly hoarse from trying to keep it in - yes. When was the last time you _really_ cried?" Maura was feeling bold.

"I don't remember." came the sudden reply hoping that would be it. Unfortunately not.

"Jane." Her name was uttered as a challenge.

"What? I don't remember. Are you trying to make me relive some painful memory in hopes of seeing me break down?" Jane challenged back.

Maura kept calm, conveying as much sincerity she could through her words. "Absolutely not. I'm just curious."

Jane let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose to try to keep the defenses in check. "I really don't remember Maura".

She could see Jane struggling in her periphery. "But you _do_ cry?" she asked again, shifting on the bed to allow her arm to come in contact with Jane's. Not too close, just a reassuring proximity.

Jane felt Maura move closer. She had been through hell today, not for a moment shying away from being vulnerable and open about it. If this was what she wanted, and it would make her feel better – then okay. "Everybody cries." she stated.

"Exactly." She made her point by looking towards Jane who kept her eyes on the ceiling. "Even you." she added.

"Even me." Jane sighed.

"Even I". Maura couldn't help herself, and Jane didn't mind. She was still trying to remember. They fell silent again, both lost in their own thoughts.

As Maura took in the silence and the reassurance of a body lying next to her, she allowed herself to close her eyes focusing all her energy on the spot where their arms touched. She had settled on the subject, but Jane had gained a new confidence.

"I can't remember the last time I really cried, but I know I have..." As Jane continued, Maura kept her eyes closed focusing on the soft hum of her friend's voice. The sound of her friend opening up enveloped her like a safety blanket she wasn't aware she craved.

"I've cried when I've felt sorry for myself. I've cried for victims, for those left behind.. for my family. My friends, colleagues, and once or twice during a game." she chuckled. "It's never pretty. Usually in the shower... sometimes in bed. In the shower when I allow myself the time, in bed when I can't help myself." She glanced over towards Maura. Noticing how her eyes were closed, she continued. "It's usually after a long day, a long day that didn't end well." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "Other times it's for the things that could have happened, but didn't." Opening her eyes again for a brief moment, she added one last thing. "But it's my time alone. It's for me."

Taking it all in, Maura gently removed her hand from her stomach, angling her arm away from her body to gently touch Jane's forearm with the back of her hand. A simple gesture, before she went back to her previous position. Again focused solely on the spot their arms met, allowing herself to let calmness enter her body and hopefully drift off to sleep. So focused, that she in no way could have noticed the single tear falling down Jane's right cheek landing on the pillow between them.

Then again, Jane didn't want her to.


End file.
